Gratitude Is My Attitude
So here is where it gets pretty 'effed up.
Calling the people I wanted to run away from to come and save me.
Humble fucking pie.
It was a series of bad decisions on my part. I should've turned around long before I did. Perhaps after the vengeful drive around the bends of the snow-covered roads in Oregon, but I stayed. It was stupid.
This particular time in my life I refer to was a disaster of a low in college.
And still, I prolonged my departure back East toward everything familiar.
Was admitting it was a mistake going to make me a failure? Was subjecting myself to that kind of treatment better than turning back?
For some time I thought maybe it was.
But then, I eventually made the call.
And with no questions asked, 'he' was there.
I felt some kind of way in the car on the drive back to Jersey. There I sat with the man who I longed to escape since he first stepped foot in my life a little more than a decade earlier. So naturally I was mixed with a sense of gratitude and distain that he could act as my night in shining armor.
What an epic fucking plot twist.
I started down a rabbit hole of victimhood. Thinking to myself how the hell I ended up with this kind of warped reality? I did what I could to maintain my composure from sobbing the whole way back.
I reached for the grains of gratitude in the decision to head East, and found strength in my redirection. I also silently prayed and utterly searched with every fucking inch of my soul for forgiveness. Forgiveness for all, but mainly forgiveness for myself.
"America is beautiful." -- I thought to myself as the car cut down the blacktop embedded in the natural Earth of New Mexico. In all the ways I got lost in the sights and just allowed myself to see beauty for miles. We came across a community from time to time. It was such a different perspective to that of the North East.
Imagine, one school for miles upon miles. No stores, no hustle and bustle. So fascinating.
One thing that sticks with me is when we discovered the Very Large Array out there.
We drove up on this massive field of white radio dishes. Can you envision it? It was as insane as it sounds to see that vast technology so up close and personal.
Not sure if he did it for me or for both of us, but we continued stopping at interesting spots along the way. We read the wall at Graceland, in Tennessee. Saw Elvis's plane and the Heartbreak Hotel.
We even paused at the Oklahoma City National Memorial. It was incredibly moving. I remember the chills I felt being there. Just across the street stood a gigantic statue on the lawn of a church. That statue was of Jesus who had his back turned on the site. That imagery struck me.
We also found a pretty cool spot known as Foamhenge. It was incredible. I'm talking full styrofoam replicas of Stonehenge right here in the United States. It ultimately peaked my interest. It was as if the Universe wanted me to pay attention to that sort of thing. But it didn't come full circle until recently in one of those moments of synchronicity.
I wish I could say it was all peaches and cream from there on out with good old 'dad'.
But as experience had taught me, tick - tock - tick - tock. The cycle ensued.
We made it all the way from Arizona to New Jersey in just a few days. Confined to a car packed to the gills with my stuff. I am grateful.
However, I do not accept the way I was treated upon sitting in the parking lot in Cherry Hill. His words cut my into my soul. I remember trying to hold together the shattered pieces of my heart. I sat there as a broken girl. In that moment being screamed at for all the stupid mother fucking dumb reasons I can't even remember. I was small. I finally cried with deep anger and sadness and curiosity for why?
I'll tell you this. Knowing this went down like so, I'd still come back East. Today I am even grateful I swallowed my pride and walked away from a very toxic situation I was choosing for myself.
I am grateful I was made so strong that I've been able to endure the shortcomings of others no matter who they've been to me. And I have done so without allowing my deep wounds to rob me of the ability to love. I am grateful I knew my worth beneath the shit I have heaped through to stand here today and tell you we are all capable of knowing love. No circumstance denotes that because it starts within us.
No external force can give us value. It comes from within.
It is a choice and a Divine connection to the purpose we all serve to love. Some of us are so far from love we treat others with misjudgment. Some of us lose sight, and it shapes the course of our relationships.
Be the person who knows they are love.
Own your worthiness.
Own your alignment.
Own your purpose.
Do not back down.
Do not sell yourself short of your actual Divine happiness.
Do not sell the world short of your Love.
It is going to take a village of dreamers to change the reactive nature of our humanity.
Let's dream of a world filled with Love.
Let's promise to start with ourselves.
Let's do this together.
Card pulled from a deck of Gabby Bernstein.