I can not believe I’m due any day. I have such deep gratitude for my body.
This pregnancy has been one of the best I’ve had + still I say with full conviction it’s not easy growing a human. It requires a few things like grace, surrender + above all faith. Before I had my first, I experienced loss. It was devastating. And, I went through it mostly in silence. I felt like I failed as a woman. I felt like I let the stressful existence in my work environment come before my self care. I felt shame that I miscarried + feared the career implications of it if I were honest with my superiors. The day I miscarried I had an appointment at the doctor in the AM + an afternoon work obligation at Shea stadium. My head was so spaced out. I wanted to go home + crawl under the covers. But instead I smiled + did what was expected of me. Surrounded by so many people that day, but I felt so alone. I spiraled into a really low place. And I felt my mindset enter a battlefield for the next year. I felt what so many women go through. Month after month, the roller coaster of emotions asking myself, are we?! When we were finally blessed with the pregnancy of our Rainbow Baby 🌈 I was so happy, but still so scared to fully feel my joy. We don’t share enough about the reality of pregnancy or loss + what it does to us. It happens so much more than we open up about, which can make us feel alone. Even today, as I am awaiting the arrival of our 4th, I have to shut down many worries that infiltrate my mind. I work diligently to check myself + to reinforce my spiritual practices. Because I know in the end, most of it is out of my control anyway. All I can do is connect with a higher power + trust it all. So if you understand this on any level, know you aren’t alone. — My love to you, Nik ♥️✨