Rainbow Baby

I can not believe I’m due any day. I have such deep gratitude for my body. ⁣

This pregnancy has been one of the best I’ve had + still I say with full conviction it’s not easy growing a human.⁣ ⁣ It requires a few things like grace, surrender + above all faith. ⁣ ⁣ Before I had my first, I experienced loss. It was devastating. And, I went through it mostly in silence. ⁣ ⁣ I felt like I failed as a woman. I felt like I let the stressful existence in my work environment come before my self care. I felt shame that I miscarried + feared the career implications of it if I were honest with my superiors. ⁣ ⁣ The day I miscarried I had an appointment at the doctor in the AM + an afternoon work obligation at Shea stadium. ⁣ ⁣ My head was so spaced out. I wanted to go home + crawl under the covers. But instead I smiled + did what was expected of me.⁣ ⁣ Surrounded by so many people that day, but I felt so alone.⁣ ⁣ I spiraled into a really low place. And I felt my mindset enter a battlefield for the next year.⁣ ⁣ I felt what so many women go through. Month after month, the roller coaster of emotions asking myself, are we?!⁣ ⁣ When we were finally blessed with the pregnancy of our Rainbow Baby 🌈 I was so happy, but still so scared to fully feel my joy.⁣ ⁣ We don’t share enough about the reality of pregnancy or loss + what it does to us. It happens so much more than we open up about, which can make us feel alone. ⁣ Even today, as I am awaiting the arrival of our 4th, I have to shut down many worries that infiltrate my mind. I work diligently to check myself + to reinforce my spiritual practices. Because I know in the end, most of it is out of my control anyway. All I can do is connect with a higher power + trust it all.⁣ ⁣ So if you understand this on any level, know you aren’t alone. — My love to you, Nik ♥️✨